“They betrayed us,” said MAGA influencer Chad Tanner, in a video filmed while pouring out a Dunkin’ iced coffee in slow motion, before dramatically switching to a Dunkin’ rival’s cup, which suspiciously looked like it had come from McDonald’s. “First, they tell us doughnuts are for everyone—what’s next? Are they going to start putting kale in the jelly filling? No thanks.

Tanner wasn’t alone. Across the nation, Dunkin’ stores faced protests from patrons brandishing “Make Donuts Great Again” signs and shouting, “No politics with my pastries!” One disgruntled customer even reportedly sent a dozen “non-woke” donuts to corporate HQ, with a note reading, “This is what the people want—patriotism, not politics!

It didn’t take long for the backlash to hit Dunkin’ where it hurt: the bottom line. Sales plummeted. Stores in key markets saw a drastic decline in foot traffic. And, as Hoffmann grimly revealed at the press conference, the company’s decision to “go woke” ultimately cost them a whopping $1 billion.

“Let me be clear: We didn’t expect this,” Hoffmann admitted, glancing nervously at a Dunkin’ logo that now felt more like a bullseye. “We thought we were just doing what was right—standing up for values that, in theory, everyone should agree with. But clearly, we misread the room. And for that, we’re deeply sorry.”

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