“They betrayed us,” said MAGA influencer Chad Tanner, in a video filmed while pouring out a Dunkin’ iced coffee in slow motion, before dramatically switching to a Dunkin’ rival’s cup, which suspiciously looked like it had come from McDonald’s. “First, they tell us doughnuts are for everyone—what’s next? Are they going to start putting kale in the jelly filling? No thanks.”

Tanner wasn’t alone. Across the nation, Dunkin’ stores faced protests from patrons brandishing “Make Donuts Great Again” signs and shouting, “No politics with my pastries!” One disgruntled customer even reportedly sent a dozen “non-woke” donuts to corporate HQ, with a note reading, “This is what the people want—patriotism, not politics!”

It didn’t take long for the backlash to hit Dunkin’ where it hurt: the bottom line. Sales plummeted. Stores in key markets saw a drastic decline in foot traffic. And, as Hoffmann grimly revealed at the press conference, the company’s decision to “go woke” ultimately cost them a whopping $1 billion.

“Let me be clear: We didn’t expect this,” Hoffmann admitted, glancing nervously at a Dunkin’ logo that now felt more like a bullseye. “We thought we were just doing what was right—standing up for values that, in theory, everyone should agree with. But clearly, we misread the room. And for that, we’re deeply sorry.”

In an attempt to restore faith (and sales), Hoffmann announced that Dunkin’ would be going back to its roots. “No more woke politics. Just good coffee, good donuts, and maybe—just maybe—one of those glazed croissant things that people seem to love.”

To drive home the point, Dunkin’ has already begun scrubbing its stores of any trace of the ill-fated campaign. The rainbow donut has quietly disappeared from menus, and the company’s social media accounts have been purged of any posts that could be construed as “woke.” Hoffmann even hinted at a new, decidedly apolitical mascot: a donut named “Dunkie” who “loves everyone equally, but doesn’t feel the need to tell you about it.”

The apology tour isn’t stopping at a press conference. Dunkin’ has promised a return to simpler times—when the only thing controversial about the brand was the occasional debate over whether or not the coffee was better than Starbucks.

“We’re just here to sell donuts,” Hoffmann reiterated at least six times during his speech, as if trying to convince not just the audience, but himself. “That’s all we ever wanted to do. We’re not here to get involved in politics or tell you what to believe. We just want to make sure your coffee is hot, your donuts are fresh, and your mornings are as sweet as a Boston Kreme.”

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