Here’s Martha’s letter :
Hi,
I (56F) have one daughter, “Emily” (26F). I raised her alone after her dad passed away when she was six. I worked multiple jobs to give her everything—good schools, extracurriculars, even paid for her college and her first apartment so she could “start life debt-free.” I’ve always told her that family is about mutual care, especially as we age.
Last week, during a conversation about my retirement plans, I jokingly said something like, “When I’m old and wrinkly, I hope you’ll let me move in with you.” She laughed, but then turned serious and said, “Mom, I love you, but I’m not going to be your caregiver. I plan to live my own life, and I think it’s unfair for parents to expect that from their kids.”
I was stunned. I told her I never expected her to change my diapers, but I always thought there’d be some level of support—emotional if not physical. She doubled down, saying, “No Mom, the cycle of parental sacrifice doesn’t need to continue forever!” Then added, “But hey, I’d gladly visit you at the nursing home!”
After this conversation, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I gave up a lot for her. I never remarried. I even delayed my retirement to fund her grad school, and I was planning to help her with a down payment for a condo next year…
I was heartbroken. Her words felt like a betrayal of everything I thought we had. So I decided to flip the script.
The next day, I called her and told her that in light of her clearly stated boundary, I will also be adjusting mine: I won’t be helping with her down payment. I told her I’ll always love her, but support goes both ways. She got angry, accused me of being manipulative, and said I’m punishing her for having boundaries.
Now, my sister says I “weaponized” my support and that I’m being petty. But I don’t see it that way—I’m simply aligning my future resources with the reality my daughter laid out. Am I in the wrong for doing that?
Sincerely
Martha
