The Slippery, Buttery Slope of Raw Milk: A Cautionary Tale (Page 4 ) | April 25, 2025

Your friends no longer recognize the person you’ve become. When they visit, you corner them in the kitchen, insisting they try your cultured butter, your clotted cream, your raw milk cheese that’s been aging in the carefully temperature-controlled former guest room. You find yourself using phrases like “mouthfeel” and “terroir” without irony.

The Warning Signs
How do you know if you or a loved one is on the buttery slope of raw milk addiction? Watch for these warning signs:

Refrigerator contains more dairy products than other foods combined
Can describe the personalities of the animals producing their milk
Has strong opinions about cattle breeds and their butterfat percentages
Schedule revolves around milking times
Has more butter molds than plates
Uses words like “industrialized” and “dead food” when describing grocery store dairy
Has accidentally cultured something and was excited about it
Speaks knowledgeably about dairy laws and regulations in multiple states
A Cautionary Conclusion
So yes, raw milk is dangerous—not in the way the FDA warns about (though those bacterial risks are real), but dangerous to your free time, your kitchen space, your wallet, and possibly your zoning compliance.

What begins as an innocent glass of unpasteurized milk can end with you standing in a field at dawn, calling your goats by name as they crowd around for their morning alfalfa, wondering how your life took this delicious, complicated turn.

Consider yourself warned. That farm-fresh milk isn’t just a beverage—it’s the first step on a journey that might end with you becoming “the dairy person” in your social circle, with hands perpetually scented with cream and a freezer full of butter labeled by month and pasture.

And the most dangerous part? You’ll love every minute of it.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. Raw milk consumption does carry actual health risks, particularly for children, pregnant women, elderly individuals, and those with compromised immune systems. Always consult local regulations regarding raw dairy products, as sale and distribution are restricted or prohibited in many areas.

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